The Evolution of Friendship: From Making Friends in the Hallway to Finding Your Village By Dr. LaMarr D. Shields

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” — Elbert Hubbard

When I think back to when I was younger, making friends seemed as easy as showing up. There were no complex expectations, no long histories to navigate—just a shared moment or experience, and suddenly, a new friend was born. I remember standing in the hallway between classes, exchanging smiles with someone who looked cool or laughed at the same joke. Maybe we had nothing in common, but that didn’t matter. Our conversations were simple, and our friendships felt effortless. We’d make plans to hang out, and before I knew it, we were best friends. But as we get older, things change.

As we age, friendships become more intentional. Gone are the days of stumbling across a friend in the hallway. Today, it’s about finding people who truly align with your values—people who will be there when life’s challenges come knocking. And for me, as a parent, those friendships mean even more. The friends I want around my children aren’t just the ones who bring a smile to my face—they’re the ones who will show up for my kids when they need support, whether in times of crisis or celebration.

I’m a firm believer in the power of friendship, which is why I wrote my best-selling book, What I Learned in the Midst of KAOS: The Making of an Ubuntu. In it, I talk about my friends from Chicago and the bond we’ve shared since elementary school. We’ve been through it all, and while our relationships have shifted over the years as we’ve gotten older, the essence of those friendships has remained strong. There’s something powerful about growing up with people who understand your history and growth—who’ve seen you evolve and stick around for the journey ahead. But even those relationships evolve. We change, we grow, and our needs from friendships also shift.

When I was younger, I thought the magic of friendship was in the frequency of visits or the endless phone calls. The more I talked to someone, the closer we would be. But as I grew older, I realized it’s not about how often you speak; it’s about the depth of those connections. Real friends are the ones who show up, even when life gets in the way. They understand when you need space, and they know when you’re going through something complicated and need someone to listen.

Here’s the thing: I love friendship. I love the closeness, the laughter, the shared experiences. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that not all friendships need to be the same. I’ve got some amazing friends—friends who hold me accountable without judgment, friends who support me when I need them, and friends who are my village. These friends show up when my kids need extra love, whether they’re celebrating a milestone or going through a tough time. They understand that friendship isn’t just about being present during the good times; it’s about being there for the messy, complicated moments, too.

I think back to the times I’ve leaned on my friends during moments of crisis. There were times when my children needed extra support, and those friends—without hesitation—stepped in. One of my closest friends helped me pick up the pieces when I was facing a personal challenge that seemed impossible to navigate. Another friend dropped everything to help with a family emergency, driving across town to offer comfort. These aren’t just friends you call to grab a bite to eat or chat about the latest gossip. These are the friends who become your extended family—your “village.”

And that’s where I am now. It’s time for all of us to evaluate our friendships—what they mean, who we’re letting into our inner circle, and how we nurture those bonds. Some friends you don’t have to talk to every day, but when you reconnect, it’s like no time has passed. That’s the beauty of real friendship. It’s not about constant check-ins; it’s about knowing that the bond is strong enough to survive life’s ebb and flow—the busy schedules, the kids’ activities, the career shifts, and all the other things that keep us on the go.

I’ve always been the kind of friend who checks in. I check in on your family, on your well-being, on the little things that matter. Small talk? Not for me. I hate it. I want to know how you’re doing. I want to know what’s really going on in your life, even if it’s uncomfortable or difficult to share. And I’m lucky enough to have friends who do the same for me. They don’t judge. They don’t ask me to explain myself. They just show up.

I’ve been reflecting on the kind of friendships I want my children to see and experience. I don’t want them to think friendship is just about fun or convenience. I want them to know that true friendship requires work. I want my children to see the kind of friendships I’ve nurtured over the years—friendships that have withstood the test of time, ones that aren’t based on superficiality but on true connection. I want them to understand that the friends they choose should be the ones who support them, challenge them, and encourage them to grow—not just people they see every day but people they trust with their hearts.

I want them to know that friendship requires showing up—not just for the good times but for the tough ones, too. These are the friends who will step in to help with a school project, offer a ride when someone’s in a bind, or listen when life feels heavy. These are the friendships that make life’s most challenging moments a little easier to bear.

So, it’s time we all take a moment to evaluate our friendships. Are we surrounding ourselves with people who truly support us? Do our friends hold us accountable in ways that help us grow, without tearing us down? Are we doing the same for them? Friendship isn’t just about being there when things are easy—it’s about showing up when life gets complicated, knowing that the village you’ve built will be there for your children, your family, and you.

Here are some questions to think about:

• What kind of friends do I want around my family?
• How do my friendships hold me accountable and help me grow?
• When was the last time I checked in on a friend, just to let them know I’m thinking of them?

Friendship evolves, and that’s okay. What matters is that the bonds we create are meaningful, and that the people we keep close are the ones who add value to our lives—both now and in the future. As we grow older, we realize that while we may not need to see our friends every day or talk to them constantly, the true beauty of friendship lies in its strength, depth, and the ability to weather life’s seasons together.